Welcome to Rebel Stardust. My home away from home and jumping board for all my wild and beautiful ideas. Here you will see me grow, stumble and make a complete fool out of myself. And I wouldn't have it any other way
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A Rebel’s Heart
“Every atom in your body came from a star that exploded. And, the atoms in your left hand probably came from a different star than your right hand. It really is the most poetic thing I know about physics: You are all stardust. You couldn’t be here if stars hadn’t exploded, because the elements - the carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, iron, all the things that matter for evolution and for life - weren’t created at the beginning of time. They were created in the nuclear furnaces of stars, and the only way for them to get into your body is if those stars were kind enough to explode. So, forget Jesus. The stars died so that you could be here today.” — Lawrence Krauss,
Author Archives: Amanda
Sometimes, sometimes I get it. I really fucken get it!
Other times, not so much
But today, today I get it!
This really starts a few days ago. I kept seeing posts on Facebook about letting go of things for the start of the New Year. I kept thinking about what I wanted to let go of…fear, anger, the weight I carry around: I don’t know. But I couldn’t come up with anything that felt –right-. So I let it go and just didn’t give it any more thought.
The New Year came in last night and I spent the night doing what felt right. I was working in my planner, setting goals, looking up information I needed, having a little drink and as the clock hit midnight I was chanting my way into what I know will be an amazing 2017.
I welcomed 2017 this morning by shuffling my tarot deck and repeat the words, “what do I need to know” over and over again till I feel a card give me a pull. I turn over the 7 of wands. I read about the card and go about my day. For those of you that don’t know, the 7 of wands is pretty much about both sides of the coin. From learntarot.com… Some battles are worth fighting, others just cause trouble. If you are involved in a conflict, ask yourself if it’s worth the struggle. Is it important? Does it have value? Will the outcome serve you or others? If so, be bold and aggressive. Defend your position. Refuse to yield! If not, then consider letting the conflict go. Be honest with yourself about this. You will be tempted to hold onto your position, especially if you have invested much time and energy into it. Don’t let battle lines be drawn unless the war is worth fighting.
A little while later I get a call from my sister, she had a talk with our father’s doctor. I should mention that my father is sick. He is dying. He is end stage COPD, and few days ago he contacted pneumonia. This strain also comes with kidney infection which is a double whammy just because he already had kidney stones that we were trying to deal with. Anyways, the talk was about the doctors giving my father two options.
Option A: Take antibiotics (that MIGHT cure the infections) and pain meds every 3 hours. This option comes with increased risk or heart attack or of his lungs collapsing
Option B: No antibiotics but morphine every hour and letting the nature take its course.
He went with Option A.
My sister and I talked about the options, our game plan, when I would go up, all the things you talk about with your siblings when your parent is dying. We hung up the phone, and as I headed down the hall, I said to the other people in the house “I have a headache coming on” to which they replied”well stop stressing about things you can’t control”! “You are always stressing yourself out”
I shook my head and went upstairs for a 2 hour nap. I woke up with my head still pounding and now I was just all fangy and full of grumps, so I went in for a shower. Now I don’t know about you, but the shower is where I have all my thinks. When I have a lot on my mind I take so many showers I practically squeak. So as I was standing under the water, thinking about how I want 2017 to be about happiness and success – and how creating makes me happy, so even if I only do it for 5 minutes a day, I need to do it.
And then it all hit me. Out of nowhere I got some amazing clarity
The comments about being stressed out, the 7 of wands, the Facebook build up about letting things go.
I’ve been so consumed with the struggle for so damn long I don’t know how NOT be in the struggle. Be it my father dying, being let go from a great job to working in a place I hated. From my mother being in the hospital twice, to worries of debt. I AM always stressing myself out because that’s how I have been doing it for over 3 damn years now! For over 3 years I have been under/in some kind of conflict that I forgot how not to be in conflict.
I broke down and cried when I turned off the water.
I hear you 2017, not even 24 hours in and I have already learnt a huge lesson. I’m letting go of the struggle and I’m ready to own the new year!
So, I mentioned two posts ago how draining and unhappy I was with my day job.
Well I changed that this week.
Things happened very quickly, but on Wednesday I got a job offer that I couldn’t say no to.
Thursday I gave notice.
Monday will be my last day there.
And then I am on to new and exciting things.
But its funny how my emotions have been all over the place. One minute happy, next scared, then sad. I’m sure I’ll be over it all in a few days.
In other news: my “jewelers desk” is now set up. I’ll do my best to have pics up soon. It’s nothing special, just an old kitchen table, but I love it! It’s close to the window, so when it is raining like it is now, I can hear the sounds of the rain while I work. Or watch the sun play with shadows in the trees.
With all the changes I have been dealing with, I’ve pulled my planner back out. I paid a pretty penny for it, its about time I start using it again. And now feels like the perfect time for that.
Anyways, I have rattled on long enough now. I just wanted to give a quick update. I’ll be back!
So for the last few days I have been taking part in a creative challenge. The whole idea behind it, is to create something start to finish each day
I lasted a week.
But it is the most I have put into anything creative in long! time. It felt awesome! Till it didn’t. Problem is/was I was working in my art journal. I really should have been bending metal.
Metal working really is what makes me happy. There is no getting away from it for me. SO what’s a girl to do?
Make all the pretty things!!!
I’m going to start sharing my WIP pictures this week and showing you what I have been doing in class. Also I want to share my growing pain as I teach myself bezels and pushing my limits.
Ekkk! So excited! I can’t wait!
I have started and re-started this post 10 times now
To be honest, I’m getting a little frustrated with this whole thing, and I’m very tempted to just scrap this whole idea
Sometimes the first steps are the hardest
I picked up my paint brushes for the first time in months (months!) this week.It felt amazing yet awkward at the same time. I need to re-connect with them. I know they are still very much a part of my creative outlet and something I won’t be giving up anytime soon.
I’m baby-stepping my way back into them.
My metal work has become a whole new passion for me since I started taking classes. There isn’t a part of it I don’t like. From the sawing to the filing to the fire and bending the silver. It all gives me a funny sense of peace and excitement all at the same time. I lose track of time and everyone else in the class room. I focus on the up and down on of the saw blade as I cut into the metal. I watch the gleam of fire as the metal heats and I know I’ve annealed it enough. I file, till the metal is perfectly squared.
Its love people.
Nothing but love
I’ve noticed that my inner critic has a field day with me when I play with paint. Art journaling really brings him out. Fire and metal? Not so much. Oh I get insecure, but not in the same way. But that is all for another day.
So, why am I mentioning all of this?
Cause somewhere in all of that, things where a little off for me as well.
Work is not good. And no matter how many applications I send out. Nothing good is coming up. (rejection much?) My work drains me. Not because it’s hard work, but because the tension and level of crazy is high. We all act like scared wives, tip toeing about our very angry husband. So, I come home at night and don’t have the energy to art, or even interact with my family and friends. Forcing myself to stay awake till 9pm. Many nights not even making it till 830.
To my friends: I’m sorry I have been absent. I miss you! Even if I wasn’t here, you have never been out of my thoughts. We need some catch up time. This weekend good for you?
My father got very sick – and I can’t seem to think of a time where I wont hear my sister crying and screaming into the phone “tell me what do Amanda! Do I put him on life support or let him die?” And me saying the words “we let him go Kerri”
He is still with us! But he is sick. And not a -we-can-cure-him-with-bed-rest sick. A sick sick.
The stress has giving me nearly daily migraines. I’m stress eating again too if I’m honest. All my anxiety ticks are back. Sleep? Nope! Which is funny cause like I said, I’m going to bed at 830 at night.
I played sick yesterday and kept it to myself. I took some me time. I needed some breathing room. I needed to just sit with myself. I don’t know why I’m really saying all of this. I think part of me needs to get it out. I need to put it out there so that I can move past where I am.
I’m still have the same problems, but at least it feels like my perspective of it all has changed.