Sometimes, sometimes I get it. I really fucken get it!
Other times, not so much
But today, today I get it!
This really starts a few days ago. I kept seeing posts on Facebook about letting go of things for the start of the New Year. I kept thinking about what I wanted to let go of…fear, anger, the weight I carry around: I don’t know. But I couldn’t come up with anything that felt –right-. So I let it go and just didn’t give it any more thought.
The New Year came in last night and I spent the night doing what felt right. I was working in my planner, setting goals, looking up information I needed, having a little drink and as the clock hit midnight I was chanting my way into what I know will be an amazing 2017.
I welcomed 2017 this morning by shuffling my tarot deck and repeat the words, “what do I need to know” over and over again till I feel a card give me a pull. I turn over the 7 of wands. I read about the card and go about my day. For those of you that don’t know, the 7 of wands is pretty much about both sides of the coin. From learntarot.com… Some battles are worth fighting, others just cause trouble. If you are involved in a conflict, ask yourself if it’s worth the struggle. Is it important? Does it have value? Will the outcome serve you or others? If so, be bold and aggressive. Defend your position. Refuse to yield! If not, then consider letting the conflict go. Be honest with yourself about this. You will be tempted to hold onto your position, especially if you have invested much time and energy into it. Don’t let battle lines be drawn unless the war is worth fighting.
A little while later I get a call from my sister, she had a talk with our father’s doctor. I should mention that my father is sick. He is dying. He is end stage COPD, and few days ago he contacted pneumonia. This strain also comes with kidney infection which is a double whammy just because he already had kidney stones that we were trying to deal with. Anyways, the talk was about the doctors giving my father two options.
Option A: Take antibiotics (that MIGHT cure the infections) and pain meds every 3 hours. This option comes with increased risk or heart attack or of his lungs collapsing
Option B: No antibiotics but morphine every hour and letting the nature take its course.
He went with Option A.
My sister and I talked about the options, our game plan, when I would go up, all the things you talk about with your siblings when your parent is dying. We hung up the phone, and as I headed down the hall, I said to the other people in the house “I have a headache coming on” to which they replied”well stop stressing about things you can’t control”! “You are always stressing yourself out”
I shook my head and went upstairs for a 2 hour nap. I woke up with my head still pounding and now I was just all fangy and full of grumps, so I went in for a shower. Now I don’t know about you, but the shower is where I have all my thinks. When I have a lot on my mind I take so many showers I practically squeak. So as I was standing under the water, thinking about how I want 2017 to be about happiness and success – and how creating makes me happy, so even if I only do it for 5 minutes a day, I need to do it.
And then it all hit me. Out of nowhere I got some amazing clarity
The comments about being stressed out, the 7 of wands, the Facebook build up about letting things go.
I’ve been so consumed with the struggle for so damn long I don’t know how NOT be in the struggle. Be it my father dying, being let go from a great job to working in a place I hated. From my mother being in the hospital twice, to worries of debt. I AM always stressing myself out because that’s how I have been doing it for over 3 damn years now! For over 3 years I have been under/in some kind of conflict that I forgot how not to be in conflict.
I broke down and cried when I turned off the water.
I hear you 2017, not even 24 hours in and I have already learnt a huge lesson. I’m letting go of the struggle and I’m ready to own the new year!